All my stories seem to start with a vision, a landscape or a character. It all started with Anna standing naked in the ocean. Although this scene does not appear here, it is the beginning of it.
As always, I hope you enjoy it.
– Existence
*****
I tapped the steering wheel absentmindedly as I steered the car around the final sharp turn, maintaining a speed I would call “moderately stupid” rather than “suicidal.” Tall trees occasionally bent overhead, casting a smattering of sunlight onto the Audi’s interior and the remains of my junk-food lunch, wrapped in folded wax paper. I could smell the ocean and desperately hoped it would still be warm enough to swim when I got there.
Nearly a season has passed since my last visit to the family vacation home, and the entire spring and summer have been filled with work and troubles which have kept me away from my favorite places to be—wading neck deep in the sea, or floating on the surface. I have plenty of time left for myself and I plan to make the most of my long weekend.
The sun was still some distance above the horizon when I turned onto a private gated lane, with tangled fences on either side and a gate secured by a chain with rusty steel nails. The name of the property still appears on the old wooden nameplate; the word is etched into a low worn outline of paint that has long since chipped off.
Elysium.
It’s a great name for our family’s little paradise, so far away from the world that you don’t see another soul except in the peak of summer.
.:.
I parked the Audi in the shade of the sand beneath the Christmas tree we planted when I was seven. Eighteen years of warm, bright summers and shallow water levels have adapted the tree well, and I have no doubt it will double its height again before I die. I smiled and reached out to hit a low-hanging branch. I treated the tree as mine and said hello whenever I came to visit.
The lock on the front door was stuck from the salt, so I entered through the sliding aluminum door onto the patio, checking to see that Dad’s oil and tools were still under the kitchen sink. I turned on the power at the breaker box and put the things I had brought with me into the cabinets.
I slowly walked through the house, opened windows to ventilate the building, and pulled out a patio chair so I could enjoy the ocean view while sipping a warm beer.
I lay back and watched the waves slowly roll toward the bay, and away from the driveway with my back. The sound of the ocean rolling down the mountain overwhelmed me and I slowly felt myself relax.
It’s been a long few months. Messy breakups, delays in major projects at work…it hasn’t been a very good year for me. I sighed and put my beer down. The waves were lapping at me, and after a few minutes of indifference, I stood up, pulled off my shorts, and walked down to the water’s edge between the low sand dunes.
The waves are high and the incoming king tide means the waves are rising high on the beach and sometimes even crashing through the shallow river of sand into the little lagoon. I looked at the waves and decided they were too thick to leave, so I stepped into the lagoon and enjoyed the cool water on my feet and the kiss of the sand between my toes.
I remember how my dad and I would build sand castles here as a child – usually so that Anna and I would have a safe place to swim and play.
One bright summer evening, we brought shovels with us and built a one-metre-high mound on which Anna sat.
I idly kept wondering where Anna was. It had been a few weeks since I last spoke to my sister. She had gone to the US for some events and since it had nothing to do with aviation or computers, I was not much interested in the details around.
I walked into the lagoon until the water reached my hips, took a breath, and took a dip.
.:.
The sun sets in a brilliant display of orange and purple, and I welcome the end of the day with another beer while I wait for the coals on the Weber to reach operating temperature. Venus twinkles and dances above the horizon – it will be a beautiful night with almost no moon, and I know from experience that the Milky Way will scatter across the sky like broken gems.
Slowly, the stars began to appear and I saw various old companions from my youth shining softly above my head.
Lights illuminated the top of the Christmas tree and I heard the loud roar of car engines. I piled coal in the center of Weber and walked around the house to check on the new arrivals. There are very few tourists here – the nearest other house is more than a kilometer from the coast – and I was curious, though it was probably someone who was lost, saw the house lights, and came to ask for directions.
There was a strange car parked next to my Audi, and I could see a small, blurry figure hunched over, moving around inside.
“Excuse me, are you lost?”
“No. I know exactly where I am,” my sister replied, turning to me and laughing at me.
“Anna! Hello! Sorry, I don’t recognize this car.”
“This was a recent purchase. I felt like I needed a gift for being a kind, responsible girl. So I bought something ridiculous.”
She came up to me, raised her arms and put them around my neck. “Hi, Joey. Long time no see. I missed you.”
“Ditto,” I said, returning the hug. “I didn’t expect you to be here. But welcome. I’ve got a fire lit, beer in the fridge and port on the counter.” I let him go gently and picked up his bag from the sand.
“I jumped at the chance to come here,” he said. “Mom told me you already had the keys, so I thought it would be worth the drive. It’s been a while since I’ve been here.”
“Me too,” I said. “The door’s jammed,” I said as he reached for the front door handle. “I haven’t had time to sort it out yet, swimming and drinking are priorities.”
“Your list of priorities sounds good. Throw on the backpack, Joey, and let’s go drink and look at the stars. I need some wine and some fresh air.”
“You understand my heart best.”
.:.
Anna sat comfortably on a lounge chair and strictly instructed me to cook. We have a year’s age difference, but she always feels like she’s older, so she’ll be the queen and I’ll be the slave. I rarely complain about this arrangement – Anna is a natural organiser and having her around means I don’t have to do the ridiculous administrative tasks of everyday life. Anna would make sure there was a place to live and food to eat – and all I had to do was show up and play cook to keep my promise.
“Do we have vegetables? Or is this Joey’s standard meal?” she asked confused.
“Joy’s Standard, ma’am,” I said. “I brought an emergency potato salad, but I haven’t done anything with it yet. It’s in the refrigerator.”
“Aha. I’ll go ahead and say it again. The lamb is good, the sausage is good, but without the potato salad, it’s not real beach house debauchery.”
She put the cider aside and walked slowly into the kitchen. I caught a glimpse of her as she rummaged through the boxes.
She looks older, tired, and more at peace with herself and the world. She’s much better here than the last time she was here, when her company was in trouble and she was a nervous, alcohol and caffeine addict.
I am happy to see my sister back.
I took a sip of my beer and watched the smoke from the barbecue drift almost straight upward into the still night air. Huge rollers rumbled over the beach, and occasionally bats flew across the deck lights, hunting the moths that hovered stupidly around them.
“What are you doing?”
I turned to Anna and smiled. “Breathe. Enjoy the peace and quiet. I miss it here.”
“Uh-huh. I miss it even when I’m not here. We’re lucky, though… a lot of people don’t have a safe place to run to when it all gets too much.”
“I’m not running away,” I replied.
“So where is Julie?” Anna tilted her head curiously.
I frowned and started to light the fire. “Not here,” I muttered after a while.
“Yeah, I gathered that too. Your reaction makes me think it’s bad news, right?”
I sighed. “Apparently, I wasn’t that serious about our relationship. I didn’t give her enough importance, or something.”
Anna pursed her lips. “That sounds horrible. What did you do?”
“I love it when you come to the conclusion that it’s my fault,” I mumbled.
Anna didn’t say anything, just raised her eyebrows.
“I went to a football game. Apparently, ‘do what you want’ wasn’t what I thought it was.”
She laughed. “Come on, you can’t do that. Come on, Joey. Tell your sister how stupid you are. I promise I won’t laugh at you too much.”
“Guess so,” I sighed, tapping the grill in irritation. “Ah, get lost, Anna. I’m twenty-five years old. My career hasn’t started yet. I don’t have the time or interest to discuss settling down, buying a house, etc.”
“Yes. One feels his biological clock ticking.”
“I guess,” I whispered. “But you know me.”
“Leaderless dragons, wandering at the mercy of wind and tide,” she said.
“It works for me. Also, I don’t follow the crowd. I work hard and am doing well on my own. I want to go abroad and explore…I am not ready to tie myself down to one place.”
“You’re bound to this place, Joey.”
“It’s different, Anna. This place is ours. Yours and mine. Time won’t change that.”
“That’s hope,” she whispered, looking away.
.:.
We finished dinner and piled up the dishes and cutlery to be dealt with later. I pulled our lounge chairs up to the edge of the deck so that there was nothing between us and the sky as we lay there watching the stars twinkle above us.
“Sister, how are you these days?”
Anna thought for a while and used her left foot to draw a lazy person in the air. “I think they’re okay, Joey. It’s quiet at work right now, which is nice… It means I can breathe a sigh of relief. It’s been crazy for a while…”
“I know. You look better. More in control. Less… frantic.”
“Feel good.”
“You look more like my sister than a hyperactive squirrel eating every last leaf of the ephedra tree.”
She laughed. “Good. Thanks, Joey. It’s nice to know that’s the impression I got. Asshole.”
I giggled. “Families can tell their families the truth.”
She rolled her eyes at me, but her smile was contagious. “Asshole.”
“Whether I am an illegitimate child or not is entirely a matter between the mother and the milk provider.”
“Personally I always thought it was Baker.”
“In fact, there was a sparkle in his eyes.”
He took a sip of cider and held his breath.
“And what? Are you dating anyone?” I asked after a while.
“No. No time, no interest. Men in my field are either married, serial womanizers, or both. I have enough on my plate without borrowing other people’s drama.”
“Amen,” I whispered.
“I do feel lonely,” she admits. “But I’d rather be alone than be alone, you know?”
“Yes.”
“Which star is that?” he asked.
“Which one?”
“bright yellow.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I think it’s Jupiter. I could check on my phone, but I’m too lazy.”
“This place makes people lazy. If I had my way, I would live here. Swimming all day and watching the shooting stars at night. It feels heavenly, with your hands folded behind your head.”
“You’re going to get bored, Anna.”
“Never. I’ll get used to it. Soon, the rest of the world won’t exist and I’ll just be me.”
“where’s the food?”
“I’ll plant a muffin tree and marshmallow bushes.”
I laugh at those memories; both were the foundations of the towns we built out of sand castles as children. “You can’t live on marshmallows and scones,” I replied.
“Men can’t. Anna can,” she replied, yawning. She sat down, stretched, and then stood up. “Going to take a shower. Are you going to stay here long?”
“No. I came after drinking beer. It was a long drive and I was tired.”
“Okay,” he said, leaning down and pressing his lips to my forehead.
“Good night, Anna. See you tomorrow.”
“When I’m done, I’ll properly say goodnight.”
.:.
I walked around the kitchen removing things that didn’t need to be cleaned and making sure all leftover food was in the outside trash; ants were a problem in that area and the last thing I wanted was a swarm of them in the kitchen in the morning. I washed the dishes and put them on the drying rack. Then I turned off the outside lights, closed the sliding door, and put it on the chain lock so air could get in but not the four-legged prowlers.
I could hear Anna fidgeting in the bathroom, so I went into the bedroom and opened the balcony door – I always leave it open at night so I can hear the waves lapping at the shore. The sea appears as a dark strip on the horizon, with occasional big waves breaking up, giving it a hint of white.
I took a deep breath and exhaled contentedly.
“Joey?” Anna stood in the light of the bathroom, her image reflected.
I turned around. “Hey, sis. Are you finished using the bathroom?”
“Yes. I am. Just wanted to say goodnight,” she whispered. She leaned against my bedroom door frame.
“Good night then,” I said.
“Come here,” he replied. “I’m vulnerable tonight and I want a hug.”
“It’s been a while?” I asked, pulling her towards me.
“It’s been a long year,” he whispered. “It’s been a long, horrible, bloody year and I’m glad to be out of it.”
“Amen,” I breathed. I tried to ignore the goosebumps that the transparent fabric of her nightgown raised on my arms as I held her in my arms. She wrapped her arms around the back of my neck and I squeezed her until she cried out. “Mercy,” she smiled. “Sometimes I forget how strong you are.”
“Go to sleep, Anna. If you want me to make breakfast, kick me awake.”
“Is that okay, Joey?”
“Yes?”
“I’m so glad to see you here.”
“Sleep well, Anna. See you in the morning.”
She raised her head and smiled at me, then turned to leave. I watched her go, but didn’t move until she closed the door.
I didn’t tell Anna or my parents about my breakup with Julie because I didn’t want any explanations or sympathy. The breakup actually happened a few months ago, and since then I’ve been deliberately lonely and apathetic, first because of anger, then because of anger at the “fair” sex and contempt for their seemingly unlimited insanity potential. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to have a girl in my arms.
However, tonight, Anna’s innocent goodnight hug reminded me forcefully of her, and I silently scolded myself for my reaction to the feel of her body against mine. Her arms were warm, her scent was subtle, and the swell of her breasts beneath her nightgown was hard to ignore.
I hoped he wouldn’t feel my reaction.
.:.
The warm shower calmed me down a little, although I couldn’t shake the feeling of her leaning toward me. Of course, I was helplessly strong, and really the only option for relief was to make haste with the lovely Mrs. Pam. If I could eliminate the basic urge, I would have a chance of falling asleep. So I bent down, grasped my testicles with my left palm, stroked my hard penis with my right hand, and leaned forward under the shower of warm water.
I closed my eyes, wishing I had a girl in the shower with me, wishing I could push her against the wall, enter her from behind, fill her up, make her quiver, drip, and want more.
I thought of Julie, her tight body and delicate pink lips, and the quivering whimper she always made when I came inside her. I thought of the other girls I had fantasized about in class or slept with in college. I thought of my favorite porn clips.
But it’s not good. Ana broke away and hit me on the head; Ana was wearing a transparent silver nightgown, tangled blonde hair and beautiful body, her small breasts and nipples, which I objected to, were visible when I hugged her. Ana’s hips are beautiful, and the clown pants she always likes to wear as pajamas are barely exposed under the hem of her pajamas.
I gave in and surrendered to the image of her, imagining the soft texture of her breasts in my mouth and hands, imagining her stretching for me, smiling at me, arching her back as I penetrated her… Almost before I could consciously realize, ashamed of what I had done, I came, moaning and shivering, my juices running down my hands into the water.
I took a deep, shuddering breath, feeling a little disgusted with myself. The shower had lost its scent, so I cleaned myself up, wishing I could clean my conscience so easily.
I try to rationalise my behaviour – Anna has always been a wonderful person, and even at my most polite, I have to admit that I currently have a serious blue ball problem to deal with. My body was apparently reacting to the approach of an attractive, disheveled girl.
I just had to accept the fact that I had fantasies about her — I had to put them in another mental drawer labeled “Joy’s Quirks — Don’t Open” and do exactly that.
The flip side of my deformity, however, is that I sleep like a dead man.
.:.
“wake up sleepy head.”
Anna brushed her wet hair across my face and I woke up.
“It’s a beautiful day at the seaside and I’ve had my first swim. I’ve been promised breakfast and Anna is hungry.”
I wiped my eyes, sat up, and stared at him. “What time is it?”
“It’s nine in the morning. It’s a beautiful day, full of pancake-eating opportunities.” She looked at me. “I guess I’ll have to dress you if I want to eat, don’t I?” she said amusingly.
“Yes, if you don’t mind please.”
She closed the door and I took off my pajamas and put on my shorts. I stretched, rubbed my eyes, put on my vest and went downstairs to the kitchen, where Anna had laid out the ingredients I needed.
“Your face has turned dark,” I said, clearing my workspace at the counter. Anna sat down on the bar stool opposite me, kicking her heels against the stool’s legs and resting her chin on her hand.
“All work and no play has made Anna a ghost,” she replied with a sigh. “I haven’t had time to sunbathe, so I look pale. Sigh.” She pursed her lips. “I’m hoping to get some sun here; the weather looks nice too.”
“It must be. It must be hot today. I hope you brought sunscreen,” I whispered. “Or else you’ll become a lobster goddess.”
“I’m not stupid,” he replied, smiling. “Of course, I have my conditions. The last thing I want to do is burn it and skin it. Gross.”
I rummaged through my cabinets looking for mixing bowls and a hand mixer. “Okay then. So…are you sure you want pancakes? Nothing else?”
“Pancakes always work for me,” she replied. Her brown eyes sparkled. “I’m easy, you know.”
I snorted. “A cheap date,” I replied. I cracked some eggs into a bowl, added flour and milk and immediately made a batter. “Do me a favor and turn on the gas, will you? See if we still have the cinnamon and sugar from last time?”
“Your wish is my command,” she whispered, sliding out of her chair and rising to her feet.
“I have some doubts about this,” I said to myself.
“What is that?” she cried.
“Nothing. Just talking to myself.”
I pulled out the scuffed pan from beneath the sink and got to work.
.:.
We took breakfast and coffee out to the deck. My head is still a little hazy and I’m grateful for the soothing shade of polarized sunglasses. Three beers after a long drive hit me harder than I thought it would. Anna wasn’t as affected – she quickly finished her pancakes and stole some from me. I watched with interest as she wiped the candy off her top and legs.
