Author’s Note: Thanks to Lizaze for editing.
****
I had only been in bed for a few minutes when there was a knock on the door. It was a little unusual for someone in my family to disturb me for so long, but I didn’t mind. If any of them needed something, I’d rather they get it now than wait until I fell asleep.
“Come in,” I shouted.
The door opened and in came Ellie, the oldest of my three sisters. She was wearing a T-shirt and pajama pants, indicating she was about to go to bed.
“Hey, Neal,” she said. “Sorry, I know you want to sleep and stuff.”
“No, don’t worry. I just went to bed, did you need anything?”
“Kind of. Maybe. I just…I’m starting to get a little nervous about some of my classes.”
Ellie stepped into the room. I bent down and turned on the lamp. The extra light made it easier to see the signs of worry on her face.
“Come sit here,” I said, pointing to the bed.
I sat up as Ellie closed the door and came over to me. She sat down at the foot of the bed and pulled her knees up to her chest. She didn’t seem too upset, so whatever was bothering her probably wasn’t a big deal. Then again, the women in my family are pretty good at hiding things from me. Sometimes, being the only man around can be tough.
“I didn’t really know who to talk to,” she said. “But I think we’re more or less in the same situation and everything, so maybe…”
“You mean that we’re both going to college and I took some of the classes you’re taking?” “Do you want me to help you cheat?”
“What? No! You’re an idiot. I just wanted to talk, not kick both of us out.”
“If you get caught, we’ll be in trouble. And you’ll probably be the only one who gets taken out, unless you take me out.”
Ellie tried to force a smile, but she was slowly losing the battle.
“Don’t cheat on me, okay?”
“Okay. Just making sure. What do you really want to talk about?”
“I don’t know. Just… something. Like, do you ever feel like it’s only a matter of time before you royally mess up?”
“Always.”
“I mean it!” she said, her constant smile betraying her intention to punish me. “I just finished writing a paper and I couldn’t help but think it was bad. It’s stupid, because I know it wasn’t that bad, but…” she shrugged helplessly. “Besides, I have an exam tomorrow. And I have to keep my grades high enough to keep my scholarship. And–“
“Wow, Ally, come on. You know you’re going to do great. You’re the smartest one in the family, remember? I haven’t seen you get an unacceptable grade on anything yet.”
“I know. It’s silly to worry about it, isn’t it?”
I shook my head. “It’s not stupid. It’s unnecessary and counterproductive, but it’s not stupid either. Everyone is worried.”
Ellie nodded and crawled over to sit next to me. I moved aside so we had room to sit together, leaning against the headboard.
“I’m pretty sure I was nervous about something,” she said. “It happens sometimes. I think it’s worse because lately it’s been happening more than usual in my classes.”
“Yeah, you’re probably a little overwhelmed. You’ll calm down soon. Most professors don’t really want to make your life difficult. I had a bit of a mess last year though…”
“Hmmm. I guess I should remember that if you haven’t failed any of your classes yet, then I’m not a real threat.”
“Oho!”
I punched her on the shoulder, so lightly that it felt like a blow. She laughed and sat up, pretending to fall down from the blow.
“Sorry,” he said. “You know I’m just joking.”
“Well, you’re not wrong. Besides, your grades have always been the best. All the pressure is on you, making mom proud. She didn’t even ask me what my grades were last semester.”
“Oh my god, I need to remind her of my expectations now,” Ellie said, rolling her eyes. “I mean, I failed a bar exam in high school… I still remember how disappointed she looked.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling like it was my turn to apologize. “I guess that won’t help.”
“Not so much. But it’s okay, I’m actually feeling a little calmer now. I think I need to talk about this.” Ellie got out of bed and headed for the door. “See you tomorrow, okay?”
“Yeah, okay. Goodnight, Ellie.”
“Goodnight, Neal.”
****
The next morning breakfast was chaotic as usual. Apart from Lily and Alice, none of us ate it at the same time. They seem to be more in sync than the rest of us. It may have something to do with the twins.
I was the last one to reach the kitchen, just behind Ellie, who was pouring coffee for herself. Mom was already on her way out and stopped when she saw me coming.
“Good morning, Neal,” she said. “I’ve told the girls, but I left some money and a grocery list. I don’t care who handles it, as long as it gets done.”
“’Okay, Mom,’ I said. ‘Don’t worry, do a good job.’”
I put all the sincerity in my words that my mother had every time she told me to have fun at school. When I gave it back to her she never found it as funny as I did. To her credit, she didn’t even roll her eyes this time.
“Okay, see you tonight,” he said as he walked out the door. “Love you.”
The kitchen murmured farewells, then returned to near silence with the hushed sounds of eating and drinking coffee. Ellie was still standing at the counter with her cup in her hand, while Lily and Alice were eating their cereal at the table.
I glanced at the clock and then at my youngest sisters. Getting them out the door in time to catch the bus can be a bit of a pain sometimes. They are eighteen and, in my opinion, old enough to take care of themselves, but they seldom live up to their shared status as the babies of the family.
“We’re in a hurry,” Lily said, not even waiting for me to speak. “You don’t need to crack the whip.”
I asked, “Did I say something?”
“You will. You look serious.”
Alice just laughed and let her twin argue with me. Ellie doesn’t help either. She just stood there holding the cup in front of her face to hide her smile.
“Well, as long as you understand that if you miss your bus, you can’t drive,” I said. “You’ve used up your chances this year. If it happens again, you’ll walk.”
“Oh! If the bus driver is stupid, there’s nothing I can do about it,” Lily said. “Sometimes he comes too early and doesn’t wait.”
“Yeah. I guess it can’t just be because you were slow and didn’t get out in time.” I raised my hand to stop her protests. “Anyway, the point is, you better get on that bus.”
Lily rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at me. I took a threatening step toward her, causing her to jump out of her chair. We stood there for a while before Ellie finally came forward to help. While I distracted Lily, Ellie quietly walked up behind her and slapped her on the ass. Although the blow wasn’t severe, it was enough to make Lily scream and look at her sister with the eyes of a betrayed girl.
“Your bus will be here in about ten minutes,” said Ellie, who wasn’t as captivated by Lily’s puppy eyes as I was. “Move your ass.”
Lily knew she was already at a disadvantage. If Ellie or I hadn’t been there to support each other, she might have dragged Alice into the argument and overtaken us. In fact, the twins were never as good as their older siblings who worked as a team.
“Come on, Ellie,” Lily said, taking Alice’s arm. “Let’s get ready.”
Alice followed her sister to their shared room without complaint. She is more inclined to do what she is told than Lily, or at least it seems so. Sometimes I suspect she is better at picking her battles.
****
Ellie and I drove to the college campus together, as we did most days. Our schedules aren’t too different and a ride-sharing arrangement wouldn’t cause too many problems. What’s more, our family only had two cars, and Mom rarely lent her car to any of her kids. This often left us with no choice.
In the evening, after Ellie’s last class, we went home. I parked the car nearby and waited for her as she got in the car and we were on our way. Besides her backpack, I noticed she had another bag filled with things I didn’t remember her bringing that morning.
“What is that?” I asked and she put her bag on the backseat so it wouldn’t get in her way.
“School stuff,” she said. “Well.”
“I know. I was just asking why you have twice as many people.”
Ellie rolled her eyes and sighed, but I got the impression I wasn’t the one she was angry with.
“I have a project to do. I have to use library resources for research, or some such nonsense. I think it will teach me something about not relying on the network. Mostly it’s just to carry more books around.”
I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Let me guess. Is the professor who gave this assignment an ancient one?”
“Sounds like she dated before the pyramids, yeah. Had to call the TA to do anything computer-related for her. Let me tell you, it was a fun time all around.”
「我敢打賭。你不會再因為這個項目而變得瘋狂和不知所措，是嗎？今晚我應該再次期待你嗎？”
艾莉再次嘆了口氣。這次毫無疑問是針對我的。
“太好了，”她說。 「我曾經向你提出過一個問題，但現在你會永遠以此取笑我。你知道，這就是給人帶來問題的事情。”
“哦，放心吧，我不會永遠捉弄你的。再頂上八九次，之後就無聊了。”
艾莉在座位上扭動身子，舉起手臂要打我，但後來又考慮了一下，因為我正在開車。她不情願地重新面向前方，雙手交叉在胸前。
「我欠你一拳，」她說。 “別以為你不會得到一個。”
“我在開玩笑，埃爾。你知道的。”
“我知道你是。但這並不意味著我也是。”
我試著表現得天真無邪，但當我必須盯著路時，這就很棘手了。即使我能夠全神貫注地嘗試，她也不會買它。
我們繼續前行，沒有進一步的事故，直到我轉出了主幹道。當艾莉注意到我們不再回家時，她皺起了眉頭，然後轉向我。
“我們去哪裡？”她問。
「雜貨店，」我說。 “還是你忘了？”
「我確實這麼做了。可能是因為我們沒有對此進行任何爭論以使其銘記在心。我猜你自願讓我來幫助你，對吧？”
「好吧，這麼看吧。要么我們在回家的路上順便停下來，要么我們先回家，然後把莉莉和愛麗絲拖進四路爭鬥，誰可以再去一次處理這件事。”
「呃，好吧。這樣可能更容易，」她承認。 “你不會成為一個痛苦的人，是嗎？”
“誰，我？”
我把車開進雜貨店停車場，找到了一個空位。艾莉和我下了車，朝大樓的入口走去。我在路上抓起一輛手推車，拿出媽媽那天早上留下的清單。我還來不及開始閱讀，它就從我手中被奪走了。
「讓我們從水果和蔬菜開始吧，」艾莉一邊瀏覽清單一邊說道。
「當然，」我說。
我並不打算對艾莉負責的事提出異議。這些年來，我們一起買過很多次雜貨，所以我們已經適應了各自的角色。艾莉拿著清單在前面帶路，我推著購物車跟在後面。有時候，我會趁她不注意的時候偷偷把一些東西放進購物車，這是我在這些旅行中讓自己開心的方式之一。當她在兩三個過道後意識到我們有六包餅乾需要放回去時，總是很有趣。有時我不確定她是如何忍受我的。
幾分鐘過去了，我們的車慢慢滿了。我跟著艾莉穿梭於走道之間，還沒無聊到去惡作劇。其中一部分是我姐姐穿的褲子。由於我大部分時間都在她身後，我很快就發現，當她走路或彎腰時，她的屁股看起來有多漂亮。不可否認，這是一件有點不正當的事情，我對此感到有點內疚，但我還沒有內疚到不去看。我太心煩意亂了，沒有意識到如此安靜會引起姐姐懷疑我在圖謀不軌。
“你在看我的屁股嗎？”
我猛地從屁股引起的恍惚中清醒過來，努力不顯得尷尬。我被抓住了。
「是的，」我說，我知道說謊沒有多大好處。
艾莉張了張嘴，又閉上了。顯然她不知道如何回應公開承認。她向我走了一步，狠狠地打了我的手臂。
“哎喲！餵！”我抗議，盡量壓低聲音以免引起其他購物者的注意。 “我不認為這是我應得的。”
“之前我還欠你一份，現在我們兩樣都算平了。”
她從架上抓起幾罐罐頭，用比必要的力氣丟給我。我設法抓住了他們兩個，並將他們安全地放在車上。
「嗯……抱歉，」我說。 “但是你的屁股穿上這條褲子真的很好看。”
她的稱讚讓我笑了笑。
「謝謝，」她說。然後她嘆了口氣。 “我一整天唯一得到的讚美是來自我哥哥，這有多悲傷？”
“我一整天見過的最好的屁股是我姐姐的，這有多悲傷？”我反駁。
這次她笑得更大了，但我看得出來她在努力抗拒。
「別說了，」她說。 「說真的。我的意思是，我很感激……有點……但是，你知道，這有點奇怪。”
“不再恭維了。明白了。”
“我不是這個意思……哦，閉嘴。”
我們繼續穿過商店，我現在努力不去看我姐姐。我很確定她在看著我，但這可能只是簡單的偏執。如果她是的話，我真的不能怪她。不管怎樣，我希望她明白這只是我的男性本能主導的情況。我並不是刻意決定去評估她的身體。
“你有沒有想過這就是你的生活？”艾莉問。
「嗯……這取決於你的意思，」我說。
“就像，你知道，仍然住在家裡，和你的妹妹而不是女朋友一起去購物……諸如此類的事情。”
我聳聳肩。 “聽起來不錯。我們還年輕，我們有時間去做其他事情。”
「是啊，但是……你有沒有想過，如果爸爸……如果他沒有離開，也許情況會有所不同？”
“艾莉……”
她假裝專心檢查購物清單，但她並沒有愚弄我。不幸的是，我不確定她的提問要表達什麼，這使得我很難知道最好的答案是什麼。
“我的意思是，看看我們，”她說。 「我們已經開始對莉莉和愛麗絲負責，至少有一點。媽媽幾乎不再費心養育你或我了。我不禁覺得我們已經長大了，但又不像我們想像的那樣長大了。」到。 」
“至少我們確實長大了。我認識很多人還沒有做到這一點，而且可能永遠也做不到。”
“我猜。情況可能會更糟，不是嗎？”
“情況可能會更糟。”
“嗯嗯。我的意思是，撇開偏見不談，你並不是最糟糕的兄弟。”
“哎呀，謝謝。”
艾莉笑了，我鬆了一口氣，因為她終於不會心情不好了。如果她真的想認真討論我們生活中的問題，我寧願她等到我們有一些隱私。
****
那天晚上我就暫時住在客廳。我有一門課要讀一些書，在我看來，那裡的一張椅子非常適合這個目的。它既舒適又位置方便，我可以從幾個不同的角度獲得良好的光線。
不住在房間裡的缺點是我偶爾會被打擾。晚上的第一個聲音來自莉莉。
“你把車鑰匙放哪兒了？”她問。 “我要去朋友家玩一會兒。”
我挑起眉毛，輕輕放下書本。
「你一定非常緊急，以至於忘了禮貌。」我故意選擇一種會激怒她的語氣說。
莉莉收回了本能的反應。如果她說出這句話，我確信這會比她之前的嘗試更不禮貌。她深吸了一口氣，臉上露出明顯假笑。
“你能告訴我鑰匙在哪裡嗎？”
“可能在冰箱旁邊的櫃檯上。如果沒有，問問艾莉。”
“你一開始就不能這麼說嗎？”她問道，一旦得到了訊息，她立刻就不再假裝高興了。 “這本來可以節省我們倆的時間。”
“不過不會讓你這麼惱火。”
她翻了個白眼，卻沒有再繼續追問下去。她大步走向廚房，差點撞到從另一邊過來的愛麗絲。雙胞胎對視一眼，然後一言不發地從對方身邊走過。
“她真的要去朋友家嗎？”我問愛麗絲，她不像她姐姐，似乎不急著去任何地方。
愛麗絲確保莉莉不在聽不到的範圍內，然後靠近了一些，坐在沙發扶手上。
“我想是的，”她說。 “但她並沒有對此多說什麼。”
“哦，好吧。只要她別惹上太大的麻煩就行。”
我繼續看書，但愛麗絲猶豫不決。我以為她在決定要不要看Netflix，所以我沒有太注意。然而，事實證明，她心裡另有想法。
“尼爾？”她說。
“是的？”
“我可以問你一件事嗎？”
“在我知道問題是什麼之前，我不能保證給出答案。”
「那個……」她搖搖頭。 “不管怎樣，我只是……我在想，我是不是太無聊了？”
我把書放在腿上，用手指在書頁之間標記我的位置。
「首先，不，」我說。 “第二，你為什麼會這麼想？”
“嗯，莉莉做的事情總是比我多。她在學校也更受歡迎。”
「你不會以為你姐姐只是更……」我揮舞著空著的手，努力想出一個合適的詞。 “好鬥？外向？有人可能會說討厭？安靜一點也不是壞事。你們兩個不必因為是雙胞胎就長得一模一樣。”
當我說莉莉令人討厭時，愛麗絲微笑著，甚至咯咯地笑起來。
「我知道，」她說。 “我只是有時擔心我，我不知道，做錯了什麼。”
「你和世界上的其他人。我的意思是，看著我，」我說，舉起我的書。 “我並沒有度過一個充滿興奮的夜晚。”
她點點頭，我很確定這不只是為了逗我開心。至少，她看起來比幾分鐘前自信了一些。
不久後，媽媽走了進來，而我和愛麗絲還在閒晃。她在沙發上坐下來，感覺很舒服。
“你們兩個在幹什麼？”媽媽問。
愛麗絲看了我一眼，然後又看向媽媽。
“沒什麼，”她說。
媽媽點點頭。 “好吧，我想我已經準備好在晚上剩下的時間裡放鬆一下了。你們有興趣看電影什麼的嗎？”
「當然，」愛麗絲聳聳肩說。 “哪一個？”
“沒關係，你去Netflix看看能不能找到一些有趣的東西，你很擅長挑選電影。”
愛麗絲從她坐的沙發扶手上跳下來，去挑選一部電影。同時，媽媽把注意力轉向了我。我一直在努力讀完我的書，同時部分地關注他們的談話。
