Brace yourself, this is a long time.
Chapter 1.0
Now I know I have a dirty mind. Of course, I imagine this is just the fantasy of an average male, but after recent events, I can confidently say that even my passing thoughts would make a sailor blush. My perception has changed, almost like a lens changing focus, and if there is one thing I can confidently say about, it is that perception really is everything. It can change the meaning of the simplest of the simplest things. Red turns darker red. Sweat turns to tears. Or sex turns to incest.
Perhaps a more accurate term would be “dirty mind”? Actually, it’s all just semantics. Just a photo-like perspective, which is really appropriate since this is actually my profession. However it’s only recently that this dark side, what Freud called the id , has started to enter my work, subconsciously controlling what I photograph and how it is viewed. What’s really interesting is that the origins of this dark journey are also so innocent.
You see, photography actually started out as a hobby for me that turned into something much bigger. Growing up cameras were a part of our family. We have more photo albums than books at home. Every major life event, even the small ones, has a visual record to show its significance. Everything from my sister’s first steps to my graduations, birthdays, holidays and family vacations were sealed in cellophane in a binder on a shelf. My father was always behind the camera and took advantage of every opportunity. Sometimes I think he missed the experience of seeing it all through the lens rather than seeing it all with his own eyes. Don’t get me wrong, he was extremely talented, but it feels weird looking back because most of my childhood memories of my father are of something clicking and flashing.
Whatever it concerns, photography has become part of my daily routine and a part of my life. I think I inherited my father’s approach because the moment I was exposed to a camera, I was born with it. Lighting, framing, everything is second nature. So when I got my first SLR camera at the age of 16, I stayed up all night memorizing the instructions. ISO, aperture, shutter speed, it all mattered to me. So, naturally, it became my mission. Even when the world went digital, I evolved with it, though my passion remained film.
Over time, I graduated from college with a degree in photography and immediately began selling my services as a freelancer. It wasn’t easy at the beginning, but I got off to a great start thanks to several projects I had during my senior year that were published in several local magazines and one national magazine. Just like that, I moved out of my parents’ house and into the city outside of San Francisco. Luck was constantly coming my way, and I had an apartment big enough to double as a studio and residence. So, as you know, I think everything is settled, but of course, occasionally things throw you off track.
Every Sunday we have a family dinner. It’s something our family has treasured for many years. The four of us were there, busy setting the table and pleasant conversation flowing from person to person. I was drinking wine and joking with my dad about my latest photo shoot when I heard my mom’s voice.
“Did you tell your brother?” she asked Kelly as she added the pasta.
“Yes.” Kelly nodded her head and looked at me.
“One second, Dad.” I turned to my sister. “What’s going on?”
He rolled his eyes when we sat down. “Well, I was planning on waiting until after dinner, so thanks, Mom. That’s like spilling secrets.”
“What is going on?” I asked again.
“Your sister has a little chance,” my dad said as he started cooking for himself.
“Let him tell me, Charles.” Mother sat down and took a sip of wine.
Kelly took a deep breath and turned to me. “You know how I got into fashion design? Well, I had a great time doing it and got some great feedback. It’s like you and photography; I’m a natural. Styling is flattering and also sexy and fun, especially for women my size and shape.
“Something for the curvy girls,” Pops said, smiling as he raised his glass.
“Charles!” Mother slapped him with a napkin, which made Dad panic.
No matter how you look at it, Dad’s comment is absolutely correct. I hadn’t really paid attention to their figure before, at least not intentionally, but both my mom and sister were curvy girls. Thanks to yoga, they are by no means as plump as you might imagine, but they all have the bulges that men love. Some are dependent on their diet, some are dependent on genes.
“So anyway, like I said, I’ve been looking into it a lot, and last week one of my professors sent some pictures of my work to her contacts, and they loved it! They asked to see more and I really want to blow them away.
“Oh my god, Kelly! This is so good!”
“I know, right!” She was happy. Her green eyes sparkled and she smiled broadly. “Right now, they’ve only seen a few of my pieces. A summer dress, some tops and shorts, and a swimsuit. What I want to do next is show what I can really do and raise that level of excellence in both style and presentation…” Jason She started pushing the silverware around the plate.
“You want me to be your photographer, right?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll pay you in full. It means a lot to me, you’re the best photographer I know.”
“Didi, don’t worry, we are a family and I will support you.” “So what are you thinking about? Day shoot, night shoot, studio?”
“You know I was thinking of something like being on the beach. I think that’s the best way to show a spring/summer look. It was just an idea.”
“No, I like it.” I smiled. “Have you ever thought about modeling?”
His eyes were wide open. “Oops, I forgot.” His eyes widened as he covered his mouth. “I’m sorry mom! I keep swearing in front of you.”
Mother waved her hand. “Honey, I’ve always told you; you’re twenty-one. You’re an adult.”
“I know. Still weird.”
“When do you want to do it?” I asked, trying to get back on topic.
“What?” Kelly turned to me. “Oh, I want it done by next weekend. I don’t want this proposal to get too cold, you know?”
“I see,” I said thoughtfully. “I don’t know who I could catch with a notice like that. How many girls do you need?”
“Just one. I wanted to keep it simple.”
“What about you?” Dad asked Kelly. “That’s your line. You’re a beautiful girl. Can’t you do it?”
“Personally, I don’t have a problem with it. I wear these clothes anyway, but isn’t it a little tacky to showcase your line like that?” Kelly asked.
I shook my head. “I wouldn’t recommend that. You want it to seem like your line is for anyone and everyone. If they just see you in clothes , the message might not get through.”
“Hey, just use your mom’s.”
“Charles!” She slapped him again.
“What? Why not?”
My eyes immediately went to my mother. I’ve never really seen her up close, but she’s the most attractive thing about Kelly. She has a lot of Irish and Japanese ancestry in her. She has her dark red hair cut below her shoulders. Green, almond shaped eyes, a fair complexion, and rosy cheeks, though that could be from the alcohol. Honestly, she would be perfect.’
“Oh, that’s great, Mom! Come on! It’s just some clothes and a bathing suit!” Kelly pleaded.
“Swimsuit, great!” I joked.
“Jason!” Mom glared at me.
“Hey, don’t mind, I’m just a photographer.” “Anyway, I’m sure they’re not bad, Mom. It’s not like your daughter spent hours making the bikini.”
There was a silence in the air, and Kelly seemed to be slouching in her chair.
“Those are bikinis, right?” Mom asked.
Kelly nodded shyly in response.
I looked at Kelly and then at Mom. I could feel a hint of worry. “Well, Mom,” I said, shrugging, “if this sounds like you, I’m disappointed. It’s always exciting to work with new models. Do you play?”
She looked at me, I got a moment to see the sparkle in her eyes. Mom smiled and shrugged. “Things I do for my kids,” she drank the glass in one swig and nodded.
An hour later, Kelly and I returned to her workplace, cups full and bellies full. Our former basement. The walls were newly painted and now hung with clippings from various fashion magazines. Where my first dark room stood, there were now a few starched mannequins and a sewing machine. Oh well, that’s life.
“They’re right here,” she said, grabbing a rolling clothes hanger and flipping through the racks, muttering “yes” and “no” as she selected her lineup. Finally, she picked up a handful and placed them on her workstation.
“Okay,” she sighed. “What do you think?”
“Did you do all of this?” I asked, picking up the red summer dress.
“Yes.” She nodded nervously and took a sip of the wine. “It’s one of my favorites.”
I put it down and picked up another one. “This is incredible, Kelly.”
“In fact?”
“Yes. Of course. I’m really impressed. Are you sure you have enough time to measure mom?”
She smiled. “They shouldn’t be too far away. Do you see that dress?” she asked, pointing to the mannequin with the embedded shaped dial. “I’ll call her Lucy.”
I raised an eyebrow. “A dummy named after mom, hmm. Let me guess, mom was your first model.”
Kelly smiled proudly. “Yes indeed. The size is just right for him: of course it was a while ago. I do most of the work myself now, but we’re not too far from each other,” she said, glancing at herself.
I raised my eyebrows as I grabbed one of her bikinis. “That’s convenient since you don’t really have a lot of space to deal with some of these issues.” She looked at my reflection as I inspected the outfit.
“I get it, there’s no shame in showing a little skin,” I said.
She smiled. “Hey, you know me. If you find it, show it to me.”
“Well, Mom is going to show it, so I hope you agree.”
She shrugged. “If it’s my stuff, I have no problem with him showing me his stuff,” she laughed
I couldn’t stop myself from rolling my eyes when she laughed.
When she looked at me in the reflection her eyes became moist.
“Thank you for doing this, Jason. It means a lot to me,” she said. “And, even though she won’t say it, it really means a lot to mom.”
“You’re welcome,” I said, hanging the clothes back up, then paused. There was something wrong with what she said. “Wait, why do you think this is important to Mom? She’s not—”
She turned to me, shook her head, scolded herself.
“Nothing,” he said. “I forgot what you said.”
“Wait a minute, Kelly. Come on. What’s going on?”
She took a deep breath. “I don’t know. It’s weird,” she said. “It seems…she’s happier when you’re around.”
“Mom? But she’s always happy.”
Kelly shrugged. “Honestly, Jason, I’m not sure. I mean, she’s around you more, but you’re not here most of the time, and Dad’s here just a little more. I think there’s something going on between them. Matters.
I put the cup down. “You think they’re fighting?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know…that’s not true actually, I know they do it because I can hear the grunting through the walls, but they never do it in front of me.”
“They looked good at dinner. I mean, they were acting like they always did.”
She looked me in the eyes. “Even though they said we were adults, they were still trying to hide something from us. I think they wanted to seem cool and collected. I don’t know what was going on, but I could always feel the tension in the air. Mainly from Dad, to be honest, he gets off work late and goes out and comes home late, but… I don’t know what their time together is like.” “Honestly, that’s right. It must have been very frustrating for her. I don’t even think they have sex anymore. They fought a lot after you moved out and went to college, but nothing happened last year.”
“Thanks, Kelly. I didn’t expect to hear our parents’ bedside manner, but now I can get a good night’s sleep.”
She patted my arm. “Jason, I’m serious. I’m worried about her.”
“Isn’t this for Dad?” I asked.
She was silent for a moment and tapped the rim of her glass. “Not really.” She looked at me. “I know this is a horrible thing to say, but it looks to me like he left it here.”
I sighed. “That’s a lot of speculation.”
He shrugged. “You’re right, it is,” Kelly said. “But I can’t explain it any other way. Mom was always careless and I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the only reason they didn’t get divorced. She wanted us to stay together as a family. Family.”
“you’re probably right.”
“I guess I am,” she said, looking me in the eye. I was surprised to see no tears. “That’s why I think it’s a good thing she’s doing this.” Kelly shook her glass. “You know she wouldn’t agree to it if you didn’t agree to it too.”
“why do you say that?”
Kelly shrugged. “That’s just…you’re his guy.” She took a long swig of her drink.
I smiled and said, “Thanks Kelly. I’ll try not to think about the fact that you said our less-sexy mother was interested in me.”
“Ah!” Kelly complained angrily. “That’s not—”
“No, it’s fine. It’s like water off a duck’s back,” I said, and he slapped me again.
“You’re always joking around.”
“Hey, I can’t help it! It’s just my business.”
She rolled her eyes and sipped the rest of her drink. “Fuck. Thanks for saying yes,” she said, walking up the stairs.
I did just that, but all jokes aside, this conversation has stayed with me.
Chapter 2.0
The three of us worked together on the details of the shoot. Kelly used to do hair and makeup before she discovered her interest in fashion so we had that covered. For the location we decided to head to a bay just north of town where we could get some great shots of the waves crashing against the rocks. We had been there on a family camping trip a few years ago so the area was somewhat familiar.
A week passed and the day of filming arrived. I had a small event in Auckland that morning, so I got home before we left. Our goal was to capture the bright sunrise and sunset before we finished. So far everything is going well.
“Hey!” I yelled as I entered the room.
“We’re back,” I heard Kelly yell.
I find them sitting on stools across from each other in the master bathroom. Mom is wearing a white robe, and Kelly is wearing black yoga pants and a pink tank top, concentrating on applying her mom’s mascara.
“Hey, bro. You caught me,” he asked, focusing on his work.
“No, what’s wrong?”
“Your father can’t stay any longer,” said mother. “His client was… I can’t remember exactly. He won’t be there.”
“Oh, well, bad for him.” I checked my watch. “How are we here?”
“She just got her hair done and I’m doing her makeup.” Kelly lifted her mother’s chin.
“how does it look?”
I knelt down beside him. “Not bad,” I said.
“What a handsome man,” said mother, smiling.
I laughed. “No, really, you’re amazing, Mom, you know that. Now we just have to highlight her best features. Really make it pop, you know?”
Mom looked at me. “What is my best feature?”
I looked at him again, even though I didn’t really need to. “I would say…your eyes and lips stand out the most. They’re alluring and seductive. Even the natural pose.”
“What about the outside of my face?” he asked, frowning.
I blinked. “I’ll leave that to the fashionistas we have here.”
Kelly studied her mother’s face. “Okay, focus on the eyes and lips.”
“Let me try it,” Mom said. She stood up and pulled a few things out of her toolbox. With a few quick finger movements and gestures, she turned to us. “Better?”
I studied her one last time. She looks flawless.
“gorgeous.”
She smiled and gave me a kiss.
“Okay, let’s get cleaned up.”
Five minutes later, we were on the bus.
We couldn’t have picked a better day. The sky was partly cloudy, and bright beams of light crossed whatever open space they could find. Meanwhile, the three of us hopped into my SUV for the one-hour drive. Me, your amiable driver, Kelly in the backseat, flipping through my folders, and Mom in the passenger seat, looking out the window as we drove down the winding Coast Highway.
“Hey, Jason, you really have a range here,” Kelly said.
“What are you talking about?” I replied, looking at him in the rearview mirror.
“All these crazy photos you take. Models, food, nature… is this a riot? Where is the riot?” He looked at me.
“This isn’t a riot. This is a protest. I took a picture of that statue when I went to Madrid with Gary and Elliot last year. I bought it for you, remember?”
“Oh, yes.” She looked back at the photo. “It’s on my dresser… Oh my god, I’ve seen it before! You didn’t find it!”
Looking back, “Which one?”
“It’s Lady Gaga’s.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “No, that’s me. They published it, and I guess that’s the way you see it.”
“Bull,” he said.
“Yes! I’m friends with an assistant and he took my recommendation. It’s like you and your job. It all depends on who you know.”
I saw my mother smiling at me from the corner of my eyes.
“Wow, you must be excited. How many times a week do you shoot now?” Kelly asked.
“It varies. On a busy week, anywhere from five to six weeks. A slow week, if anything. Just keep in mind that I book things for more than a week.”
“That’s it?”
“Well, yes. It is a lot. There’s a lot of work between takes. Setting up and planning beforehand, not to mention the time it takes to edit afterwards.”
Kelly closed the folder and bounced up in her seat. “So what’s the craziest shoot you’ve ever done?”
I looked back at him. “The craziest? What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. Anyway,” she laughed.
“The craziest thing…” I had to think. I could see my mom take a seat next to me, and she seemed to be getting even more interested. “You know, maybe the Lady Gaga one.”
“Really? That’s it? Nothing more spicy or anything like that?” Looks like I’ve let my sister down.
“Is it spicy? Okay,” I had to think. “I’ve made a few swimsuits before.”
“So swimsuits are considered hot?” Mom asked.
“No, not really, but sometimes…I mean…” I looked at Kelly. “Wait. What do you mean?”
“You know, like underwear or… no underwear .” She laughed.
“Which boudoir are you talking about?” I asked.
“Yeah. Have you ever done that?”
I looked at my mom and she smiled to herself.
“You know I can’t say that I have. I never really wanted to, to be honest with you.”
“Nonsense! You already know everything.”
“Do I need to remind you that our mom is in the car?”
“She said I could curse.”
“That’s not what I meant.” “I don’t think we should talk to him about it here.”
“Don’t use me to escape problems.” Mom seemed to be enjoying my discomfort.
Kelly smiled. “Did you see that? Mom wants to know!”
“Oh my god, what’s wrong with you two? Okay, yeah, I guess I’ve thought about it. It’s okay. It’s not at the top of my to-do list. Are you happy?”
Kelly’s eyebrows furrowed. “Why not? If a girl offers to pay you to take nude pictures of her, are you telling me you’re not interested?”
I looked at him through the mirror. “You know what; I’m not comfortable having this conversation right now. Let’s change the subject.”
She slumped down in her seat. “Okay, but don’t think I’ll forget about it.”
